Trees. (Not a poem!)

[phantom]

Trees.
Generally largish things, made of wood, pretty hard to miss.. in fact, comedy styling's dictate that if you are in a car accident chances are you will hit said tree (at which point either the air bag, which failed to go off in the crash, will go off OR the vehicle will burst into flames and one single flaming tire will exit the fiery tomb of your body... I'm not sure which I'd prefer...)..

All that aside we can agree that trees are often pretty large, more so when they have been in their location for a period of time, say over 20 years, which as I've covered makes them pretty hard to miss..

Sooooo imagine my surprise when, as I walked outside tonight to give someone something I realised a tree, which I swear was there when I last left the house on thursday to go to the pub, had gone.

Yep, up sticks (aaaaaaaahahahah! pun. ) and left, not even a leaf left behind... well, there was the end of the trunk in the ground which proves that it was in fact there and I hadn't been imagining it for the last 20 odd years... unless I imagined the stump as well.. hmm, hadn't considered that...

Yeah, anyway... upon seeing this... or not seeing it as the case was, I stopped dead in my tracks. "what the fuck?!?" was my first words uttered, followed by me first looking around to make sure I was in fact in the same road I thought I was in and hadn't fallen asleep and just woken up in a place which looked like where I live but in fact wasn't..

Turns out I was in my road.

At this point anyone watching would have seen something along the lines of the following events..

Having looked around for a few moments I preceded to sidle up to the general area of the tree, in a kinda casual way trying not to draw the possibly hidden tree's attention... I then suddenly darted forward and quickly waved my arms around over the trunk before springing backwards and eyeing the truck rather speciously. I then looked around for a another couple of minutes before waving my arms around Jack Sparrow style and exclaiming about the fact that trees don't just vanish and where the hell was it?

Conscious that I had to drop something off to some one I decided to carry on my walk up the road, stopping every few feet to look backwards to make sure the tree wasn't just fucking with me and hadn't come out of hiding..

It hadn't.

Again, my walk up the road was very Jack Sparrow esq, arm waving and general disbelief that a tree, which was a key part of my childhood, could just vanish in the space of two days without me noticing.

I thought it couldn't get any worse at this point.. until I reached the top of my road; ANOTHER BLOODY TREE HAD GONE!

This also caused me to stop in shock.. repeat the look around before saying 'ok, what the bloody hell is going on here?!?'.. the previous scene is then repeated, with the casual walking up to the area of the tree, the darting forward and waving of arms and then darting back again to eye the tree trunk speciously..

After another few minutes of looking around I carried on to deliver what I was delivering however this whole experience somewhat unnerved me... trees don't' just vanish... if you were in fact making a list of things that trees are known for NOT doing 'vanishing' would be pretty high on that list (probably along with 'have cocktail parties' and 'invade small countries in the name of progress')... a few more minutes of ranting in general followed..

During this I realised something; I don't know anyone who is a Lumberjack.

At this point you might be thinking 'er?'.. I admit it's also just as likely you are thinking 'where is this going?', 'how much toilet roll do we have left' and 'my god, my god, this chicken is pecking out my eyes...'... (ok, maybe not the last one.. ).. the point is you are thinking something and so was I... although not the same thing.. unless you were in my head... if so enjoy this image of a man, a goat, 2 liters of jelly and a hose...

Yeah, my thought.. I don't know anyone who is a Lumberjack and as far as I know I don't know anyone who knows anyone who is one... and yet, apparently trees get cut down.. therefore there must be Lumberjacks in the world; QED.

This leads me to conclude one of two things;

1) the Lumberjack is a solitary creature, preferring the company of it's own kind and avoiding contact, at all costs, with none Lumberjacks and living a self contained life away from the world of man in the world of trees.

or

2) Lumberjacks are in fact ordinary people who, while asleep, get up and go and chop down trees before coming home and getting back into bed and continuing their lives as normal.

Now, given the world isn't full of 'Lumberjack only' shops I can conclude that one is in fact highly unlikely and thus, given Lumberjacks must exist, the second option is most likely.

Now, you might well take issue with my logic to which I say 'neeer'... you might also say 'Rob, but what about the possibility of an organised beaver underground who, working with the Squirrels and Bears, are in fact waging a secret war on man kind and using the removal of trees to drive you crazy as they know that, in the future, you will lead a rebellion against their rule of the world and rise to prominence as a resistance leader'... to which I would reply 'Craig, stop ripping off the plot of the terminator films.. although you might be right about the beavers working with the squirrels and bears.. this requires further investigation...'

So, to return to the point (because I had one honest), how do you know if your loved one is a night Lumberjack?

Well, the signs would be pretty clear;


Lumberjacks have a set style of clothing, we can thank Monty Python for the stereotype, however as they are subconscious Lumberjacks they wouldn't have their clothes just laying around for their waking mind to find, no instead they would be hidden, either in a superman style cupboard with a false back or, if you are a rich industrialist who's mansion just happens to be over a rather large cave with an exit which can be hidden so that people can't find it from the rather conveniently placed road, it's possible it could be hidden there... most likely with some kind of cutting tool (axe, chainsaw, herring) and, in the case of the rich industrialist, maybe a truck of some kind, probably with a winch on the front. If you happen to come across any of this stuff then there is a chance you loved one is indeed a sleeping Lumberjack... or a bored rich person... or someone into some REALLY kinky stuff... in the last case you might want to talk about it with them, because frankly that just isn't right!

There will also be an abundance of wood chippings around the house, dragged in from the slaughtering of the trees they have been doing the previous night...

Oh, and you might notice a few tree trunks just laying around the area.. which might be a little 'off'.. but I figured you'd be able to spot that before now..

Spotting if your loved one is a beaver is a bit easier; the teeth, furry body and flat tail are often a give away, as is their tendency to chew wood.. however the good news is that if your loved one is a beaver then you are most likely a beaver yourself as such I'm wondering how the hell you are reading this.. If you aren't a beaver (given away by not living in a lodge in the middle of a pond) then you should probably seek help as, much like the Lumberjack equipment fetish people that just isn't right..

What can be done about this affliction?

Well, it can be surmised via some very dodgy logic that the subconscious Lumberjack is driven to kill trees in the need of something for themselves to live.. otherwise this activity would be pointless.

So, in order to deal with this will need to look for something which works in the same manner; kills to live... this leads us to the natural conclusion; Vampires.

This means that Lumberjacks must also be the undead, it is the only thing which stands to reason, and as such they must kill trees in order to absorb the life force to continue living (much like vampires and blood drinking). However, due to them working with wood it can be surmised that a wood stake through the heart will in fact have no effect on them, for if it did they wouldn't dare work with with trees at all uncase of accidental staking.

No, instead we must consider this logically; given they are taking life force from trees it make sense they would be killed by things which effect trees. One of the primary method of killing trees is with an axe, thus a metal stake to the heart should kill them. It can also be surmised that burning and removing of the head (much like the removal of a tree trunk from it's roots) would also be fatal... and so would a creeper vine, however getting the Lumberjack to stay in one place long enough for one to kill them could prove tricky.

However, all is not lost, much as vampire can survive without killing humans and only taking a portion of their blood so the Lumberjack can also learn to survive by removing parts of the tree which will not kill it, such as a branch or a few twigs. This will require your support however as the shift from a full tree's life force and that from a branch or a few twigs can be traumatic for the Lumberjack, thus you have to help them not get back into the killing habit.

So, in summery if you suspect your loved one might be a Lumberjack then this can be tested by removal of the head, setting fire to them or stabbing them in the heart with a metal stake. If they die then they are indeed a Lumberjack and you might well have had a close escape.

If they survive then they are either a zombie or some other undead creature, such as a werewolf, and are probably now very pissed off that you tried to cut their head off, set fire to them or stabbed them with a metal stake. How to deal with an enraged werewolf, zombie or other undead creature will follow in a later guide.

For now, you can at least move knowing you have the knowledge to discover if your loved one is indeed a Lumberjack.