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Old 16-Apr-2009, 12:26   #1
Melly
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Smile A few useful Phrases for 2009

some good ones to get around the office.

* SALAD DODGER.
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

* SWAMP-DONKEY
A deeply unattractive person.

* TESTICULATING.
Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.

* BLAMESTORMING.
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

* SEAGULL MANAGER.
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

* SALMON DAY..
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

* CUBE FARM.
An office filled with cubicles.

* PRAIRIE DOGGING.
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
(This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)

* SINBAD.
Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.

* AEROPLANE BLONDE.
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

* OH - NO SECOND.
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all').

* GREYHOUND.
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

* JOHNNY-NO-STARS.
A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.

* MILLENNIUM DOMES.
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.

* MONKEY BATH .
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: 'Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!'.

* MYSTERY BUS.
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the
toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so
the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

* TART FUEL.
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.

* TRAMP STAMP
Tattoo on a female

* PICASSO BUM.
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks
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Old 16-Apr-2009, 12:33   #2
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for 2009 ? no.
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Old 16-Apr-2009, 12:35   #3
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1999 perhaps. There's a couple in there I've not heard before but mostly...



In Italy Space 1999 was called Spazio 1999. Heh.
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Old 16-Apr-2009, 13:50   #4
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heard a few of these before.
tramp stamp is for one of those classy and huge tats on a girl just at the base of her spine isn't it? also know as Stripper Ink or something like that. can't recall.
like the first few a lot, heard them before but like them still
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Old 16-Apr-2009, 13:54   #5
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Piers Morgan would be proud of this thread.
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Old 16-Apr-2009, 14:05   #6
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cut and paste from viz profanasaurus isn't it, same since time began
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Old 16-Apr-2009, 21:07   #7
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Charlie Brookers New Media Dictionary has more slightly more uptodate and highbrow ones.

Quote:
abbaration (abba-rayshun) n. Inexplicably successful West End musical based on the back catalogue of any once-popular pop act in the vein of Mamma Mia; eg: "I see Dancing On the Ceiling's opened at the Lyceum. Think it's some sort of Lionel Richie abbaration."

auntiepathy (auntee-pathee) n. Ingrained tabloid hostility towards the BBC.

broverkill (bro-verr-kill) n. To be almost, but not quite, as bored of listening to people talk about how they don't watch Big Brother as by the continued existence of the programme itself.

carolemalone (carol-mal-own) vb. To viciously pontificate about a celebrity's perceived character flaws and imagined motivations while grinning like the dung-fed offspring of Peter Cushing and Zelda from Terrahawks channelling Kajagoogoo in your nightmarish byline photo; eg "For God's sake, Jennifer, take off that fright wig and stop carolemaloning about John Cleese's divorce, will you? You're making my soul weep."

chudge (chudj) n. An underqualified judge on an underwhelming TV talent contest.

commentally ill (com-mental-ly-ill) adj. To believe that airing one's views in either a newspaper column or the Have Your Say section accompanying the online version of said newspaper column is a meaningful activity.

craptitude test (krap-ti-chewed tessed) n. A televised talent contest with a panel of chudges (qv).

crotchdog (krotch-dog) n. Dismal paparazzo whose career consists of lying in the gutter desperately pointing his camera up the skirts of celebrities exiting limousines.

dwindlethink (dwin-dull-think) vb. The process by which a member of the public forms an opinion on a subject of national importance after viewing a plebbledashed (qv) news report, then finds themselves passing it on to the nation when stopped in the street for another plebbledashed (qv) report the following day.

funography (phun-oh-grafee) n. Television programme which gleefully revels in its own hideousness. Also funographic (adj); eg: "Last night's I'm a Celebrity was so funographic I chortled all the shame cells out of my body."

i-witness (eyewitness) n. Any internet messageboard user quoted in a newspaper article in a bid to pad out a weak story; eg: "Leona Lewis fans were furious last night after the star pulled out of a charity gig at the last minute. An i-witness raged: 'We'd queued in the rain for hours . . . Now when I look at my copy of Spirit it makes me want to puke.'"

inspector Google (inspector googol) n. Allegedly "investigative" reporter who relies solely on the internet.

mock examination (mokk-eggs-ammy-na-shun) n. Close-up zoom-lens photograph of vaguely out-of-shape holidaying celebrity accompanied by disdainful copy pouring unwarranted scorn on their physical failings.

mousemob (mows-mob) n. Gathering of indignant reality TV viewers on an internet messageboard hellbent on petitioning Ofcom over some illusory injustice perpetrated by their favourite programme; eg: "Within minutes of Jeremy Edwards being kicked off Dancing On Ice there was a 500-strong mousemob screaming 'Fix!' on Digital Spy."

nowtrage (nowt-rage) n. Lame and unconvincing tabloid outrage designed to create a self-perpetuating storm of controversy. Also, nowtrageous (adj); eg: "This Jonathan Ross pensioner sex-joke story in the News of the World is embarrassingly nowtrageous."

phwoared escort (fword-ess-court) n. Down-on-her-luck vice girl unwittingly captured topless on a hidden camera by an undercover tabloid reporter in order to illustrate a prurient article gleefully belittling her desperately unhappy circumstances.

piersonality (peers-on-allitee) n. Self-consciously odious celebrity who trades on their own widely accepted repugnance to infuriatingly lucrative effect, thereby creating an unassailable feedback loop of violent loathing in absolutely everyone other than themselves; eg: Piers Morgan.

plebbledash (plebbul-dash) n. To bulk up a television news report with needless vox-pop soundbites from ill-informed members of the public.

PR-reviewed phindings (peeyarr-rev-yood-fyne-dings) n. Light-hearted newspaper article based around any risible "scientific survey" produced by a marketing agency to promote a product or service; eg: "It's the BREAST news men have heard in years - Britain's women are set to evolve BIGGER BOOBS in future, according to scientists at Cardiff's Wonderbra Institute of Titology."

printernot (pryn-ter-knot) n. Any example of a newspaper's feeble attempt to appeal to a younger demographic by likening some aspect of itself to the internet, such as re-christening its letters page the "Messageboard".

scoffee break (scoff-ee-brake) n. Office lunchtime spent sneering pathetically at unflattering snaps of cellulite-peppered thighs in a Heat magazine mock examination (qv).

twittle-cattle (twittul-cattul) n. Hordes of people patiently queuing up to moo aimlessly at each other in the latest online social networking craze.

zerotoleriddance (zero-toller-riddantz) n. The moment the public mood finally and irrevocably turns against a hitherto-just-about-tolerable minor celebrity; eg, "We put Danielle Lloyd on the cover and sales nosedived; looks like she's hit zerotoleriddance."
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Old 17-Apr-2009, 10:38   #8
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Glasgow nicknames!

Quote:
Nicknames in use that have been given to Glasgow characters by their
friends and workmates.


Two Soups - his real name is Campbell Baxter.

Norrie Two Bunnets - the Glasgow taxi-driver who wears a wig under his
cloth cap.

The Colostomy - the girlfriend of a married man (ie. the wee bag on the
side).

The Boomerang Kid - whenever anyone at work asks a question, he always
replies: 'I'll get back to you on that.'

The Parachute - lets everyone down at the last minute.

Cashline - an experienced young lass who's open 24 hours a day.

Vaseline - his real name is Willie Burns.

Rembrandt - loves saying to colleagues: 'Let me put you in the
picture...'

Bo Derek - a chap called Derek with terrible body odour.

Brewer's Droop - his real name is Willie Falls.

The Genie - magically appears whenever anyone opens a bottle.

The Marksman - when it's his turn to buy a round, he always shoots the
craw

Dulux - his pals reckon he's only got one coat.

Soapy - washes his hands of any problems that crop up.

Captain Hook - continually late for work, it's believed he must be
scared of the alarm clock.

The Yeti - always on the sick, there have been many unconfirmed
sightings of this guy, but nobody can prove he actually exists.
elain
The Gas Man - he's serviced loads of old boilers.

The Hostage - when anyone asks for help he always replies: 'Sorry, my
hands are tied.

The Chernobyl Jannie - during the mid-Eighties this guy had a really bad
complexion.

The Woodpecker - he's always tapping.

Mussolini - a woman in an office in Glasgow who has rather loose morals
(aka the great dicktaker)

The Olympic Flame C He never goes oot.
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